Mindless Rant #1

There will be more of these later. that's why it's #1 :D

lmao this thing is looong. I would suggest ignoring all of it. It's mindless rabble and has no real point.

I'm going to retype this for the 5th time DX oh god this is why I never tell people what I'm thinking.

Okay...how to start this...i think the one thing I'm scared of more than anything is growing up to be "average". When it comes down to it, it's hard to really asses what's "average" when your dealing with something as horrendously complicated as people but I see it as this:

someone who blends in; someone you won't remember or you'll remember because "they could draw purtty", etc, but you can't for the life of you remember their face or name; someone who's never really changed anyone's life or made an effort to; someone who doesn't try to think outside the box or is scared to go against what others have decided is "normal" or "socially acceptable"; someone who's afraid to speak out or afraid to object or accept things they like or dislike because it's "different"; someone who makes themselves happy with their life because it's good enough or it's convenient keeping it the way it is and it'd be too much work to put a little more effort into making their life actually worth something. I really like quotations today D:

For as long as I can remember, I've always been terrified that I'd be one of those people when I grew up. I would chicken out at the last minute without going to college and sit in my little bubble where it's comfortable and easy for the rest of my life while kissing the ass of whatever douche decided they held superiority over me just so I could avoid any form of confrontation.

That's what i am. Right now, that's me. I want to be someone people will remember but I'm too terrified of what they'll think to ever actually say anything. I want to be someone that doesn't just maybe get someone motivated about something for like a month or maybe a year but that like actually changes their entire life for the better.

oh GOD that sounds so corny DX I knew it would.

The past year I've been trying to do better. I'd bet money that no one's noticed but I have been trying to change. I just realized I'm wearing my shirt backwards I speak my mind a little more and I'm not afraid to talk more freely to people I know but like hell am I standing up for myself. I'm going to leave that to Sam for a while....

Okay, this is how it works in my tiny mind: I spend way too much time kissing up to these disgusting people that I don't even like looking at nonetheless acknowledging their seemingly useless existence to upset they're poor little egos from any opinions void of their acceptance. So if they think they are so fucking right then they are fucking right.

I see these people everyday and I tell myself I'm never going to see any of these people again, if I even talk to them, so why am i so wrapped up in their opinions of me. This seems like such a small thing but at this rate it could be the one thing that keep me from going anywhere in life and makes me into the one thing I'm scared of most. I don't want some job that just happened to fall into my lap and I barely get by on. Or some guy that reluctantly settles with me because I'm willing to bend at his every whim and change myself so he'll fucking stay with me or because I just happened to be the only semi not ugly looking object in the general area.

I want to be an artist. That's what I want to go to college for and that's what I want to do for the rest of my life. Even something in languages on the side would be amazing lmao I feel like I'm ordering something

okay~ I'm done.

I know, I just kind of rambled uselessness and wasted about 15 minutes of your life but it's MY BLOG AND I DON'T CARE >:DDD I bask in your misery

On that note..... it's 5:01 in the morning. I have school in three hours. and I haven't even started my homework so I'm going to have to say goodnight